Late-night musings of a mom

English: Regular Oreo cookies shown with milk....
English: Regular Oreo cookies shown with milk. Still very difficult to try and take picture of clear and white things, there must be some trick to it, or it just ends up being a lot of photoshop magic. Please check my Wikimedia User Gallery for all of my public domain works. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Where do these babies of ours come from?

A question I’m sure I asked my parents at some point. A question I’ve answered when my kids have asked.

But I’m not looking for the easy biological answer here.

I’m looking for the up-at-midnight, tearing-my-hair-out, how-did-we-create-this-being answer.

I love my children. Dearly. They are old souls in young bodies. But there are days when I ask God just who He thinks I am. When I’m not sure I buy into his vision of my maternal capabilities. Today is one of those days.

Don’t overestimate me, Big Man. You know I had to think about this mother thing. That I always knew I wanted children but I had a lot I wanted to accomplish first. That my mother, while she loved me in her way, was not quite cut from some divine maternal cloth.

I thought I was ready when my babies were born. Turns out, I’m not sure we’re ever truly ready.

Not ready for the days when the teachers are calling and e-mailing because the son you’ve raised to be organized, respectful and diligent has shown them nothing but disorganization, a lack of attention and a less than stellar work ethic. And you know some are thinking that if you had only given him the right lecture, instituted the right rewards or consequences, buckled down and really tackled the issue, he’d be flying. You resist the urge to laugh at the oversimplification. As if all of us who have the means and the drive aren’t doing that already.

Not ready for the days when you see the heartbreak that comes from your child trusting someone who was not worthy of that trust. And knowing there’s nothing you can do but sit and watch. At a certain age, they don’t want the hugs and words of wisdom. At a certain age, they just want to figure it out on their own, even if they lack the tools to do so. And you never knew it could be this painful to watch and sit on your hands.

My kids are human with human failings—something my mother never really accepted in me. I know they are imperfect and love them dearly anyway. I see a balance. For every late homework assignment, there is the look of true empathy and compassion on my son’s face if he feels his one true love (our big black Labrador Retriever) is hurting in any way. There is the unexpected hug and “I love you, Mom.” The things he feels free to do with me that I never felt my mother would welcome. The wonderful sense of humor.

I did not have children to have tiny little mini-me’s. I was more enlightened than that. I did not, at least consciously, expect them to be mirror images of me. But I also did not expect to be stymied by the utter divide that can occur between a mother and her child when God seems to have sent you a soul that will challenge yours on every level. Perhaps this is how my mother felt. But I am trying so hard to respond in a more enlightened fashion. Not to shut down emotionally and become critical. To instead accept that none of us is infallible and love understands that. I’m here to shepherd a couple of souls on part of a long life journey. Not to narcissistically create human trophies that are testament to my mothering prowess.

Some of you are scratching your heads right now, wondering why I feel this is so hard. You are the parents for whom I’m sure God has reserved other challenges in life—but your kids may not be among them.

I get that. We each have our own journey.

We love in the same way. We try just as hard. But our journeys are different.

Little souls come to us for a reason. And some of us are given the opportunity to earn extra credit.

May I be worthy of the challenge. Even on the days I don’t think I am.


5 Comments Add yours

  1. Sue says:

    Many a night I have stated the heart pain I feel due to my child or grandchild that I dearly love. I bring it all in prayer asking to be held and soothed so I can continue to know what is being asked of me. As a parent during those times I need and want to be supported and hugged much like when I was little. Bless you and Bless them.

  2. Anne says:

    The joys and sorrows of motherhood.Well stated.

  3. This completely resonates with me- completely!!! It is clear to me now that my son came to me to challenge me, to stretch me, to make me grow (like it or not), and ultimately to kick my life into high gear by helping to lead me to a spiritual awakening. And he’s not quite 11 yet! He has a host of issues and also several amazing gifts that are not visible to the untrained eye. I’ve ripped my hair out, cried buckets of tears, lost it again and again, and that was when he was little. These days, life is getting better. And one of the biggest factors is energy work. This kid has had a ton of energy work done on him. I have seen the changes in him, and they are phenomenal. Does he still struggle? You bet. But my attitude these days is so much more positive than ever.

    Part of what turned me around was reading The Gifts of Dyslexia. Wonderful book. (There are actually 2 books I’ve read with almost the same title). I’ve also learned to accept that my kid doesn’t like organized sports, boy scouts, or other organized group type things. And it’s ok. He doesn’t always play by the rules. He’d rather make his own. One day, in the right situation, that will serve him well.

    There are plenty of people out there who can’t relate and who think they know your child better than you do. If they challenge the way I might do something, I either explain briefly, or if they are a stranger, I don’t give them the time of day. It’s more difficult when it’s their teacher or doctor. But I’m stubborn enough that I’ll listen to what they have to say, and then do what I feel is right for my son.

    1. candidkay says:

      You get it. I’m lucky to have my sons go to a wonderful school with a lot of very bright, supportive teachers. But the people who got the “easy” kids are a bit obnoxious sometimes. I love your acceptance of your son. Tell me more about the energy work. I find that fascinating.

      1. Sorry I wrote such a book as an answer- lol. I should have just referred you to my blog, as so much of it is about him- struggles and victories. In answer to energy work, I first discovered it when my son was 7 and was receiving vision therapy with a developmental optometrist. The guy’s wife is an Energy Therapist. I had a consult with her on a lark, to help me. She started teaching me as she worked on me. (She worked on my son and he was able to get off a medication for constipation- it was bad for 3+ years). From there I have become a Reiki practitioner at the second level and have workshops and classes in Matrix Energetics and another modality that has no specific name of than Energy Healing.

        A lot of this work would be limited if it were strictly defined. But in general, this type of work, works on us at a level outside of our physical bodies. What most people don’t know, is that before we become sick or develop chronic conditions, we develop blockages in our energy fields first. We also carry energies with us that are passed down to us over generations. And even with conditions we are born with, helping to let these blockages release, make for improvement. I know an energy healer who has done amazing work on both me and my son, who has been working with a non-verbal boy with autism. Last I checked in, he was expecting this boy to become verbal within a few months. This man has healed cancer, ALS (Lou Gehrig’s disease), bipolar, and more. I’ll have to write a blog about what energy work is, and how it works, from my perspective these days.

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