Who dat? Joy? Come on in.

She is so wonderful and yet so annoying. Never calling before she drops in to visit.

And yet, when I hear the knock, I always let her in . . .A woman is knocking on an old metal clapper

I stare at my glass of sparkling rosé, tiny bubbles rising to the top of one of my 13 crystal wedding goblets. I was planning ahead, you see. Service for 12, but always get 13 in case a glass breaks.

I was planning ahead.

I planned for broken crystal but not for the events that led to my marriage’s demise.

You might think, reading these words, that this post will be bitter.

Anything but, sweetheart. Because Joy is visiting this evening.

It is Valentine’s Day. I awoke to a handmade card from my youngest with $11 in it and an admonition to get myself something nice with it (he’s going to be a lady killer if he can just up the amount and turn it into a thoughtful sparkling something in the future). He had given me his treasure and drew me a heart. Knowing how much he hates to draw but did so anyway was the best present of all. True love.

My boys are with their father this evening and I have had a quiet night, working late. My pizza, salad and rosé don’t seem at all sad to me. In fact, I’m in front of my laptop, gazing at my glass, feeling Joy’s presence.

These quiet moments with Joy creep up on me.

And I relish in them.

For quite some time, those moments eluded me. Valentine’s Day, weekends and anniversaries come with expectations, you see. And I had them in spades.

As the reality digressed more and more from my expectations, I tried adjusting them.

But sometimes, no adjustment can bridge that chasm.

Joy rarely visits when you’re in denial. She’s a realist, that one. And she’ll give you the cold shoulder if you refuse to accept what is.

Tonight, I am exceedingly grateful for the two small men that share my life. For the furry girl we all love. For being able to make the mortgage payments, work that I love and a family of very dear, fallible humans a few hundred miles away who sometimes wonder how on earth we’re blood-related, I’m sure.

For friends who text and cluck and show up as only good friends do. For those who can applaud without envy, pick me up without judgment and deliver a witty Academy Award red carpet critique.

I mourn what I had many moons ago. Yes. It deserves that.

But I am strong enough now to realize that it is as it should be.

FeaturePics-Wine-Rose-Picture095346-332658How anticlimactic of me. To end up where I assume I belong, in front of my laptop on Valentine’s Day, sipping sparkling wine.

And yet, I feel in my bones, a portent of what’s to come. The timing is divine. I need to focus right now. On my work. On raising fabulous young men. On paying the bills. On writing what’s in me because for some reason, I feel compelled to share it—and that’s usually the universe’s call to my soul.

Someday, I will look back at this night. I will be sitting at a sublimely white-clothed table overlooking a city full of lights. Or, on a beach with the surf in my ears.

And I will realize that without this night, without the knowing deep inside that I am joyous simply because of what is,–even when “what is” isn’t what society would consider enough—well, I would fall short. Of my own standards.

I am joyous with so much and yet so little. I enjoy my own company. So few of my best loved can say that. And it’s something all the more precious because I lost and then found it.

I no longer question the universe. I just fasten my seat belt, throw my hands up in the air and enjoy the ride.

Sometimes with a little sparkling somethin’-somethin’ in my glass.

It’s all good.

I rejoice when I hear the knock. And I answer with a resounding, “Who dat?”

But I know who it is now.

Joy, come on in. You really should have called ahead. I would have poured you a glass.

But, as any regular compadre of Joy knows, she needs no glass. No fancy dinners. No showing off. She is happy, as always, with what is.


16 Comments Add yours

  1. tyates1994 says:

    This is so beautifully written. I think that we often forget that joy can come from small moments, not just big ones. Thank you for the needed reminder.


  2. Beautifully written Kay. it is only when we do come to that realisation of ourselves that we finally let go. Yes, there are days where it can feel like the world is a lonely place, but we know its ok. It is that realisation that the duality within is only because of ourselves. The day that you can look in the mirror and say ‘I love you’, and not wince or turn away or burst out laughing, you will know your ok with who you are within and that struggle that always seems to be there, is now gone. And the relationship with yourself, now begins. The anger, fear and all those negatives start to disappear, and the positives of peace, love and happiness begin to find you. And amazingly, it comes from all the places that have always been there. You realise this and smile. Because you then know, it has always been up to you, where you are at within. Thank you for a lovely share, I enjoyed it very much. Namaste

  3. Aussa Lorens says:

    Being able to look at a moment in the present and realize it for it’s future value is pretty incredible. I think we too often do that in the reverse– we look to these theoretically moments in the future and dream of eventually having something so valuable. I love everything about this post/pour me a glass next time.

    1. candidkay says:

      Consider it poured:). Thank you for the kind words.

  4. Sounds like you’re in the right place. Enjoy! And keep sharing your soul’s calling — it’s a gift for all of us!

    1. candidkay says:

      Kindest words a writer can hear:). Thank you!

  5. To arrive at the place of embracing aloneness is a fantastic place to be. Congratulations. You are a winner! 🙂

    1. candidkay says:

      Thank you. Something I found, list and have now found again:).

  6. philly89 says:

    I believe that at times solitude can be so enjoyable. I feel energised after time alone spent usually reading or watching a film. Very enjoyable.

    I like how open you are in your posts, I still feel like I’m holding something back in mine, but I’m going to look to address that now.

    1. candidkay says:

      Thank you! Love it when we can be an inspiration to each other.

  7. Midlife Muse says:

    A lesson I learn over and over. Thank you for writing it out so beautifully.

  8. Carla says:

    Well put….as usual;) you are in that comfortable place, I feel it through your words.

  9. Bill says:

    Sounds like we need to meet for cocktails.

  10. candidkay says:

    Thanks, Mark! For reading and your kind words.

  11. markbialczak says:

    Beautiful discovery, elegantly shared. Happy for you, Kaye.

    1. candidkay says:

      Thanks, Mark! For reading, and your kind words.

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