I have just completed a brief survey of the search terms that led people to my blog over the past couple of years.

And you people scare me. Truly. Brace yourselves. We have some odd ducks out there.

One of you out there found my page because you wondered about “meeting a catfighter.” Now, I am not sure what led the search engines to connect me with catfighters. Given that I didn’t know there were people out there that fought cats until just a few moments ago, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the idea. How would you fight a cat? And really, what could a cat do to piss you off so much that you would consider fighting it rather than just spritzing it with water and a “Naughty Kitty” admonishment? Is it a particularly aggressive cat that just won’t stop challenging you to duels? I’m lost.

Someone else was looking for an “elastic camel.” Yes, well then. You’ve definitely come to the right place. This blog is all about elastic camels. Just yesterday, I was pondering how I could get more out there on this sorely underrepresented topic. I will get to this when I have solved the issue of papier mâché llamas. You surely can see why I must prioritize this way, right?

Another one of you sick puppies was searching for “women exposing their posse.” I have to believe that a typo led you to my blog. Yes, I have written about posses. But not about what I’m pretty sure you actually meant to search for. Go away. And learn how to spell properly. Even if you correct your typo, you still have a spelling error there. Plenty of blogs exist for you out there. Just not mine. Mine is only for good spellers.

Now here’s one that fascinates me: “Who does public relations for Steely Dan?” Aha. Of course this would lead you to www.candidkay.com. I’m just still trying to think of a reason why. I cannot stand Steely Dan’s music. Truly. So it’s not me. Try some other p.r. hack’s site. If I were handling p.r. for Steely Dan, I am positive their music would be better.

You sure are a bunch of music buffs. Who found me by looking for “doobie brothers on brady bunch?” You all just want to push my buttons today, don’t you? The Doobie Brothers are another band whose music just makes me want to hide my head under a pillow. And so what if I’m related to Greg Brady? You had to bring that up again, didn’t you? And the Doobie Brothers with that pack of wholesome kids? Well that’s just crazy talk, people.

I wrote once—and only once—about a naked sketch party. I’ve never hosted one, folks. I featured a video of a woman who attended one (and she’s fully clothed); it is not as tawdry as it sounds. Promise. But now, when you search for “women that host parties naked”, I show up as the No. 1 result. This situation, I am sure, will attract some quality followers. You think I’m kidding about showing up? Go Google it. I’ll wait.

See? Word. Not kidding. My eldest is laughing so hard, he just fell off of the couch. Please, blogger friends, can you write about a naked sketch party soon? I’d love to lose my top billing. Before he posts it on Instagram.

And as long as we’re on the topic of women, I’m also a popular result when looking for “beautiful teen girls smelling in their forest crying.” Go figure. I may go to the forest and smell. Or cry. But I try not to do both at the same time. Plus, I’m a long way past my beautiful teen girl stage. Perhaps what they are smelling is so awful and pungent, it makes them cry? I am going to have to ponder this one for a while. I’ll get back to you.

If you are searching for “sissy long underwear”, “puffy sissies” (as opposed to those sissies not suffering from water retention), “pictures of bellyachers” and “handsome horse riders”, you guessed it. There I am. The fact that any of you have looked for these items is your own personal business. No questions asked. Except maybe one. I’ve never seen sissy long underwear. What does this look like? You must send me a pic so I know what to avoid come this winter.

And last, my very favorite search: “mommy’s a little cuckoo in the head.” Bingo. Mmm hmmm. Amen to that. Aren’t we all? That’s what red wine, bubble baths and good friends are for.

Go about your business, you sick kittens. Nothing to see here. Except maybe naked hostesses, girls smelling and crying, and a few overly aggressive cats.

I can’t wait to see next year’s results. Really.