Being saved from my crazy self

Jesus, I love it when I am saved from myself.

Talk about grace.

I am having a perfect Sunday morning. I know you know what those feel like.Singing chef

Aretha and I singing “Baby I Love You” at the top of our lungs while I cook my son and his buddy breakfast. Etta James joined in with “Sunday Kind of Love” soon thereafter and man, we should have done that duet years ago. Had Deney Terrio seen me back in the day, I am sure I would have been a Solid Gold dancer on Dance Fever. (Perhaps the carbs I had for breakfast have gone to my head. It’s nice here in my little world.)

Muffins turned out just right. So did the scrambled eggs. Fresh-squeezed OJ reminded me of my recent California trip where friends and I picked oranges off the trees in their yard and made the juice fresh. What a great trip that was. My large, ravenous black Lab ate with relish and actually settled for a nap. The sound of her contented breathing and sighing is a soothing reminder of the rhythm of life.

After my recent blog post about online dating, I have been reminded of so many good things by so many good people.

First of all, that there are smart, attractive men out there who make me laugh. Who want to make me laugh. Who care about their kids, clean up nicely and are doing what I’m doing—living life—hoping that some day they can fit someone back into their lives. Whether these men are for me or not, I do not care right now. I’m just happy to know that for each ego-driven slightly crazy guy that reaches out, there are those that accept their age, their kids, their ex-wife’s failings (as well as their own) and are just living life. That’s somehow a comfort whether I meet them or not.

Old friends and new reached out privately to tell me their divorce, dating and remarriage stories via text and messages. I laughed, cried and whooped when I read those. I received an abundance of “I love you, I love you, I love you—always have and always will”. An abundance of life preservers thrown from every direction. A reminder of who I am, that I am loved, that there is happiness and joy in my current life in abundance. That I am blessed to have all of these unique souls in my circle.

I was surprised by a couple of my old flames, who reached out to take a risk. They reminded me of what they loved about me, what has stuck with them to this day, their regrets. I have such respect for these men, who are made all the more beautifully masculine because they can bare their souls, now, in a way maybe they could not have then. It meant so much to hear from them and know they follow my blog. It reminded me I really do love men. Always have. Men with emotional courage are the sexiest thing on earth.

Sending smsYou, my wonderful readers, show me so many shades of wonderful.

A Sassy Redhead made me cry in the Panera line as I read her comment on my last blog: “Wow…I was just reading about me. Same story. Did match on and off for NINE years. Maybe about 2-3 months each year. Lots of first dates. A few second dates. No third dates.

I knew what I wanted and had resorted to the fact that he was out there, but most likely married or had small kids at home or an ex-wife he let rule his world. Then one week before my monthly subscription was up…I got an email. His second email to me was a request for dinner. And begrudgingly, I went on my last first date. (Because I was tired. I was fine being single and I was tired of the dating stuff.)

That first date lasted 5 hours. The conversation never stopped. No awkward silences. I knew when he stood from the table, he was the one. I blushed. I giggled like a grade school girl. I could hear my heart beating with every word that left my mouth.

We married 8 months later. At the end of March, we’re having our second anniversary. And I promise you, I love him more today than I did the day I married him. I look forward to our hours of conversation about nothing and I sometimes get sappy with tears when someone says, ‘So, how’s married life?’

Please don’t stop searching. Please don’t give up. Pray a lot. Don’t settle. He’s out there. I promise you he is. And he’s going to find you. Let him find you. Let him search you out and let him court you and let him give you butterflies. He’s searching for you right now. And when love comes, it comes out of left field. When you least expect it. And you won’t recognize it, but it’ll recognize you. Then it’ll be as clear as a beautiful sunrise. I promise.”

The kind souls, as I call them—Mark Bialczak, My Path With Stars Bestrewn, A Glass Half Full, Broadside Blog, Strawberries in the Desert, Gabriela Yareliz, and Healing Your Heart each had their own words of advice. Roy McCarthy, another steadily kind soul, tweeted a link to my distressed post, in his usual generous style. My Facebook friends suggested everything from Cary Grant movies to hanging out at bookstores. I’m still laughing at the number of yentas I have in my posse.

Here’s the beauty of it . . .

. . . The tuition bill sits, waiting to be paid. I want to lose another 15 pounds. My eldest persists in talking about a military or federal agent career, neither of which thrills a mother who worries about his safety. There will still be jackasses at work, in traffic, wherever. I still have a love/hate relationship with my ex—love for how he is with our kids, hate for what he did to our family with no apology. So yeah, there’s that. I’m not quite a bodhisattva yet.

My closet, filing cabinet and kitchen cabinets overfloweth. I still don’t know if Mr. Bates was responsible for the death of the heinous rapist in Downton Abbey, which really annoys me. And my son’s middle school math has surpassed any of the numerical theories I was able to keep in my memory stores.

It is not perfect. Any of it.

And yet it is. Perfect in its imperfection. When I can accept what is, feel loved and leave what is to come for another day, a wiser mind, amazing things happen.

Wishing you—all of you—this same joy and peace.

Perhaps a little dance party with your coffee is in order on your Monday morning. Or a duet with The Queen of Soul in the shower, where we all sound our best.

That’s the best kind of crazy. The kind that needs no rescue.

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28 Comments Add yours

  1. darlasue22 says:

    Thanks for the encouragement!!

  2. This made me laugh out loud! I dont really have any advice i just wanted to let you know i enjoy being a part of this journey with you and you’re helping me see things in a different light! Thanks! 😉

    1. candidkay says:

      Thank you, Rachel! Both for not giving me advice and for letting me know you enjoyed what you read:).

    1. candidkay says:

      Thank you:). And thanks for stopping by to check it out.

  3. Sometimes the best thing we can do is accept where we are on this journey. Don’t contrast and compare. Everyone has their own fate and timetable. Just be grateful we’re as far along as we are.

  4. I’m beyond flattered you found anything I wrote worthy of your blog. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    We all certainly have our own kind of crazy. And I do think that sets us apart and sometimes above the rest. I love your attitude and your outlook. For today started on the blah side for me…until you just made me see my very own perfect inside my very own imperfections.

    Thank you for that. You have certainly been a morning-changer for me today. =)

  5. Que Sera, Sera,
    Whatever will be, will be
    The future’s not ours, to see
    Que Sera, Sera
    What will be, will be.

    Lovely, positive post.

    1. candidkay says:

      You’re channeling my mother:). She used to sing that to me all the time . . .

  6. Amy says:

    This fabulous post has just made my day! A dance party with my coffee this snowy Monday morning is DeFiNiTeLy about to commence! Woooooooooo hoooooooooooo! xoxo

  7. What a beautiful post to wake up to, Kay! When hope is restored for one, we all feel a bit lighter I think,
    and your words certainly prove that we are all connected.

  8. Your heart sounds lighter already! Love life and wait for love to find you…best advice, from all your friends (virtual or otherwise). I so look forward to keeping reading, and seeing the eventual outcome. It will happen!

  9. markbialczak says:

    Oh, happy day, my crazy friend Kay. You are so getting there, to that ready place when the rest will tumble out in front of you.

  10. Dale says:

    This was a great read! Reminded me of nearly 20 years ago when I met my to-be husband on Tele Personals after many First Dates Only and a couple of duds… We met and he never left! Until this past December when he was so brutally taken.

    That said, when I am ready to re-enter that world – who knows when – I have faith that I will be lucky enough to meet someone.

    1. candidkay says:

      Oh, Dale. I had no idea about your husband until i read your blog today. My heart is so with you. And don’t rush re-entry. I am a tortoise that way. But you deserve to heal at tour own pace. Sending much love and wishing you dances in the kitchen even in the middle of your pain.

      1. Dale says:

        Oh no worries… I definitely am not going to rush into re-entry! 20 years is a long time with someone! I am definitely still in mourning/reeling from the whole thing, etc.
        Thank you – there will e dances in the kitchen (may even have already been one…)

  11. I don’t know why this one made me cry. You have certainly written more tear inducing posts, but this one brought tears, almost neck tears, and here’s why.

    It is really a lovely thing when you realize you are not alone. That someone else is nutty and remembers Dance Fever. It is also a wonderful thing knowing other women have mess, emotional and file cabinet, that they are trudging through and are still able to laugh and squeeze juice.

    I loved this post. I was in the kitchen with you, I could hear the Queen, and could not agree more with you about men. They can be some of my favorite people. Yours, your kitchen dancing man, is sorting his “stuff” out too and on his way to you. When you’re both ready, there is no doubt. I have said it before, you are a light.

    Thank you for making me cry and sharing your kitchen dance.

    1. candidkay says:

      You put it in your own inimitable way, as you always do. And you’ve made me feel like i have another soul sister–a coulda’ woulda’ shoulda’ beeb Solid Gold dancer–out there rooting for us in her kitchen. Thank you!

  12. Julia says:

    Thank you ! I feel like we are on similar journeys vision boards and match.com dates and all 🙂 julia

    1. candidkay says:

      Here’s to our respective journeys!

  13. christanis2014 says:

    I can tell you the same story. After a number of online dates that made me want to run for the hills, I just relaxed, made this relationship I was searching for matter less, made myself matter more, went to order a cappuccino, turned around and saw him and knew. And married him a year later. It took its time but it was worth it. Don’t look for him. He will find you 🙂

    1. candidkay says:

      Love that! I have always believed in living life and not looking. Just living on into it. But I’ve told myself i need to put this message out to the universe. That I’m willing to take risks. Because I don’t want to look back and day I hid from the world either:). It’s humbling.

      1. christanis2014 says:

        …and don’t underestimate the power of the universe. About a week before I met my husband I was sitting out on the balcony, asking the universe for someone with this, this, this… quality and in addition I asked to get my Canadian accent back (as a non-native speaker you naturally pick up what you are exposed to while you are learning). I got exactly what I asked for, all combined in a Canadian man of whom I am sure there are nor that many in Wales. It is almost spooky but very reassuring.

      2. Dale says:

        Oh the Universe is indeed very powerful!

  14. That acceptance is the best there is Kay…may your dance parties and duets keep a sparkle in your eye, and be heard and appreciated by ‘him’, whoever that may be 🙂

  15. KM Huber says:

    Just the kind of post I want to read on Sunday…well, any day, actually, but Sunday makes it just a bit more so thank you. I had nothing to offer for the dating stuff but as you have so wonderfully revealed in this post, your other readers had the “goods” on what comes next. I know you knew this. 😉 All the best always, Kay.
    Karen

  16. Thank you! I am praying for you. I loved this post. You are right; there is so much beauty and goodness out there. And I agree, men of courage are very sexy. 😉 Good things and people are coming!

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