Saving America and my son’s pants

I was driving, holding steady a cup of dog urine, wearing my son’s pants, on a rescue mission.

You with me?

No worries. You’ll catch up.

First, my dog had a urinary infection. On her second round of antibiotics (very expensive antibiotics, may I add), I was required to bring a sample of her urine back to the vet’s office. And the doctor had stressed that it be “fresh urine.” Which, for the unindoctrinated amongst you, means the second your dog pees, you’re running like Jesse Owens to get the godforsaken yellow liquid to someone in a white coat before the heat, the cold or your neighbor’s small child somehow contaminate it.

I had said urine, in a Rubbermaid container, in my hand, as I . . .peecup

. . . looked down and realized that what I thought were my black yoga pants hanging over the chair were actually my son’s basketball warm-up pants. In my rush to keep fresh pee pristine, I had put his on by mistake. Given he is now about my height, an easy mistake to make.

But, I realized in my hurry, that my—ahem—womanly hips filled these out a bit more than his do and I really did not want to split a seam. As you already know, turning around was not an option or my dog’s urine would no longer be defined as FRESH and I would have to chase her around the neighborhood all over again, holding a small plastic container under her rear every time she so much as hinted at squatting. It’s not pretty. Just ask my neighbors.

Trying to adjust these tight pants at a red light, while still holding dog pee, my phone rang. It was a friend whose car had been hit and she needed a ride right away. The short end of a long story is that the cat she had taken to the shelter, in hopes its owner would come to find it, was going to be put down. The woman at the shelter said if she wanted to save it, she needed to come back to get it in the next hour. My friend had already named this cat America (don’t ask) and would be crushed if she was put down.

GrumpyCatFlagI told her I would pick her up. I warned her I would be wearing boys’ size 14 basketball pants and that I might smell of urine.

Amazingly enough, she asked no questions and said she’d be waiting. Which may just be the best definition of a good friend.

My phone rang again just after hanging up. I thought it might be my friend again. But instead, it was a former colleague’s daughter, who I had been putting off for far too long. She wanted to talk to someone who was in journalism, as she had recently graduated with a degree and was trying to break in and learn the ropes.

“I am so sorry but I can’t talk now. Can we set up a time for Friday?”

But she was on to me, knowing that despite my best intentions, three previous Fridays had already passed—and still no interview. She was ready to grill me.

“This will only take a few minutes,” she said. “I just want to pick your brain about . . .”

By this time, I was heading into the vet’s office, trying to walk with tiny steps so my pants would not split, but this put the pee in a precarious position as I navigated ice and snow in the parking lot.

I knew I had made a commitment to this young woman and I WOULD keep it. Just not now.

“Listen,” I said, “I’d love to talk to you. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that right now, I’m worried about dog pee. I have to take off my son’s pants. And then I need to help save America. I’ll call you later. And you’ll make a good journalist. You’re persistent.”

As I hung up and began to walk away from the vet’s reception area, I noticed the woman behind the counter giving me a strange look.

And then it hit me. I burst out laughing but didn’t have time to explain.

I’m not sure if the young journalistic hopeful will still want to talk to me after hearing my immediate priorities. The receptionist certainly did not invite further conversation.

But after helping to save America, I know my friend wants to chat with me. And I guess that’s all that matters.


24 Comments Add yours

  1. “I told her I would pick her up. I warned her I would be wearing boys’ size 14 basketball pants and that I might smell of urine.” Only a true friend would not question this. LOL. Very funny post.

    1. candidkay says:

      Glad it made you laugh:). I still chuckle to myself when I think of it.

  2. I about peed my pants when I read what you said to the young journalist student, thanks for the laugh!

  3. Haha! Just the smile I needed.

  4. Very funny and well-written post.

  5. ksawrites says:

    I love everything about this. Especially because once in a pet emergency, I might have worn my slippers to the vet. And then gotten there and realized that I forgot to bring my wallet. I like to think I was meant to read this 😉

    1. candidkay says:

      It was kismet 🙂

  6. Great story Kay, you gave me a really good laugh after a long week 🙂

    1. candidkay says:

      And when can’t we all use that? Glad it helped! Thanks for reading.

  7. Stapleton, Scott says:

    I’m still can’t figure out how you got the pee into the container. If I am ever in Chicago, and you hand me a Rubbermaid container of food, please don’t be offended when I throw it in the trash.

    Scott Stapleton
    Director – Consultant Communications
    Diamond Hill Capital Management
    325 John H. McConnell Boulevard, Suite 200
    Columbus, OH 43215
    T: 614.255.3329


    1. candidkay says:

      You’re safe, Scott:). Told the vet they could keep the container. And I don’t plan on having to do this again anytime soon! Fingers crossed.

  8. Sandi Ormsby says:

    OMG- this paragraph
    “Listen,” I said, “I’d love to talk to you. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that right now, I’m worried about dog pee. I have to take off my son’s pants. And then I need to help save America. I’ll call you later. And you’ll make a good journalist. You’re persistent.”

    is hysterical! I’d love to see a post about how you chased down the dog for that pee (curious how that was done) and surely someone witnessed you doing it. 🙂

    Sandi Ormsby

    1. candidkay says:

      I am sure if anyone witnessed it, the film could be cause for serious blackmail. Particularly as we have about 3 feet of snow on the ground in some spots and she’s up to her neck in it:). Thanks for reading! Glad I could give you a laugh.

  9. kkrige says:

    Congratulations on saving America. Not many people can accomplish that much in a day! 😉

    1. candidkay says:

      I’m thinking of getting a cape:)

      1. kkrige says:

        lol Love it!!! 😀

  10. Such visuals!! Thanks for the great story and good laugh!

  11. Michelle says:

    Okay..that is hilarious…and just what I needed on this dreary day…

    1. candidkay says:

      That’s what I’m here for, Michelle–sometimes a laugh and sometimes a cry. Both cathartic:). Thanks for reading!

  12. Kate says:

    SNORT! Cleaning my monitor and will need to get dry pants and a new cup of coffee! Thanks for the giggle – Task your new mentee with doing a write up on your crazy conversation! Talk about fodder for a great journalism piece! and yes saving America should be a priority for us all in more ways than one!! LOL!

  13. markbialczak says:

    Your crazy hour gave you one hell of a story, Kay.

    1. candidkay says:

      Oh yes, Mark! And that was probably its only redeeming value. Besides saving America:).

  14. Totally love this post and I am so glad to know that I am not the only one out there who is doing crazy things from time to time (or maybe all the time!!)

    1. candidkay says:

      Oh, you’re so not alone:). Not even close!

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