Get over yourself

I think life is trying to make me a humble warrior.

It’s an earned title.

FeaturePics-Buddha-Peace-085122-1488977A warrior denotes someone who is battle tested, who has shown strength not just once or twice, but over prolonged periods of hardship. Someone who rushes headlong into the fray when necessary, who prefers resolution of some sort to running scared for most of life.

Ah. Now some of you are nodding. You are a kindred spirit, yes? Life has similar plans for you?

I at first resisted the term “warrior” because the focus seemed to be on battling against something.

Until I figured out, I am a warrior because I fight for things, not against them.

You may think I’m just playing at semantics here, but no.

Are you fighting to save your family from financial ruin or for your vision of your family’s secure future?

Are you fighting to keep your child out of trouble or to give him a vision of the future in which he plays a key positive role?

Are you battling to keep your home environment from descending into chaos or to create an environment which promotes peace?

The former in each of these scenarios is fear-based, the latter a vision to achieve.

Think this is a miniscule difference? Think again. Life shows us otherwise.

I know a woman who is so desperate to date again, who has such a void in her life to fill, that she asks for dating advice from anyone who will listen. She scours the online sites, checks out colleagues at meetings and is not above flirting with her children’s school personnel (which is a little awkward for them).

All the while, her house is a mess, her finances unorganized, her children beg for more time from her.

I am not in a position to judge, given I have faults of my own to take care of—but her situation begs the question: what are you fighting for? In this situation, I don’t see a for, just an against.

She is fighting against being alone, lonely and bored. Instead of for her best self and who that might attract. Imagine the possibilities. Which woman would you want to date? The one who makes finding you her business, at the expense of her kids and everyday life? Or the one who’s taking care of the kids and everyday life, as well as her own interests? The one who is fascinating because she is so engaged in creating what she wants out of life, partner or no?

I know another woman (amazing how this works, isn’t it?) whose regular Botox and Restylane injections, not to mention her tummy tuck, boob job and permanent eyeliner procedure, add up to more than my annual car payment, I’m sure. She is married to a very successful man who has been married before.

The plethora of cosmetic procedures are to stave off a chronological age she does not accept. So she frantically nips, tucks and freezes various body parts to hold on to a youth that passed her up long ago. Instead of embracing the mystical wisdom, style and grace that come to women who accept their changing persona (hello, Katharine Hepburn), she ignores these gifts to chase after some that are no longer hers to accept.wood ear

She fights against her real age instead of for metamorphosing into a wiser, more beautiful version of her younger self. And at times, it borders on ridiculous.

Perhaps because the last few years of my life have been tough, I have less patience than I might otherwise have for people who are self-absorbed; I find the words, “get over yourself” on the tip of my tongue. If you’re going through a tough time, my compassion for you has grown. But if your biggest concern is less than substantive, I find myself yawning and turning away.

Find a lofty goal. Run that marathon, feed the hungry, write that book. That I respect. But scoring a date and/or a boyfriend? Please. That’s the byproduct of an interesting life, not the goal.

And while you’re nipping and tucking, how about reading a good book? Volunteering for charity? Learning how to speak Japanese? Any of the above bring an interesting beauty, a beauty from within that does not fade. I’m sure your partner would prefer sparkling conversation and energy for life to a constant obsession with sagging eyelids and facial creams.  Or maybe not. But if the latter, it might be time to rethink the partner.

I’ve lost two of my best loved to death in the past couple of years; another to a painful but necessary divorce. A fourth battles cancer, like a boss, every day. I’ve faced possible financial ruin, funerals, courtrooms, hospitals and hospices. Gossip, small minds and egos galore. I choose not to focus on any of these, but rather, on what lies ahead. On who I am becoming, yes–still becoming, even in my middle years.

That is what defines a humble warrior. You focus on the vision, leaving all unnecessary accoutrements behind. And you continue to do so, to show strength of body, mind, heart, soul and character, even on days it is not convenient to do so. The humility comes in knowing the strength is provided to you. Your job is just to be a worthy enough vessel to be able to channel it properly.

You want to focus on that furrow between your brows or your sagging eyelids? Be my guest.

That’s not why I’m here.




26 Comments Add yours

  1. cindy says:

    Ah…. another printable one – to reread again and again!!

  2. yogaseema says:

    Loved this, thank you for sharing!

  3. I really deeply affected by ur post not only it is about all the gathered should-be staff, but also these are the things emerging within all communities regardless of nations. The question is , when I walk on that step, which u have drawed the borders like the idea of vision I generally end up the meaning and the rely on feeling that comes from my beliefs, what about u? how can u reach that thing’?

    1. candidkay says:

      I think we hear the word “vision” and it connotes golden light and smooth sailing. Anyone who has achieved a vision knows that’s not how it works. But I do believe firmly setting your intention and asking for help from the universe–and then continuing to hold your vision–is what starts the wheels in motion. The world meets us where we’re at, but it tests us to see if we’re on solid ground or about to backslide. When I backslide, I no longer beat myself up. I just pick up and keep moving. Best of luck to you.

      1. Thank u for the precious reply

  4. readyornot says:

    I love this…kicking arse rather than letting it get kicked! Bring it on x

    1. candidkay says:

      Or, as we put it in the States, kicking ass and taking names:).

  5. lmarieallen says:

    Amen! I have zero tolerance for people with their petty complaints and whining. I think some of them have never faced a real battle in their lives.
    About the dating thing, it’s really kind of sad. My mom is 70 years old, very attractive, and has been on for nearly a decade. It’s become a kind if sport for her because she loves to be admired. Meanwhile, she can’t support herself and relies on the kindness and money of these men to keep from being homeless. It’s painful to watch. And, of course she always goes for the wrong guy, the one who is strictly looking for a pretty, helpless woman with no opinions or substance. Sadly, she is very smart, but she downplays that part to bat her eyelashes and show some leg. It creeps me out.

  6. cozintransit says:

    I really enjoyed reading this post, especially the scenarios based on fear or vision to achieve. I feel like I’ve made so many choices based on fear that something bad might happen. And have wasted too much time entertaining people who are “self absorbed.” I love the motivation to “focus on the vision.”

  7. Shelly says:

    After I read these beautifully written posts, I always feel like a better person. Well said.

  8. drranjani says:

    Beautifully written. I chose to make the same choices of creating a vision of a better life and personal growth. And the side effect was finding a new person who is right for me to share the rest of my journey with. Thank you for a beautiful post.

  9. This is a brilliant post and contains much sound advice.
    Have you considered writing that book yourself?

    1. candidkay says:

      Thank you for the kind words:). And yes, I have thought about writing that book. I think it will take a bit of divine guidance and a literary agent or editor who has a vision.

      1. You appear to me as someone confidant, optimistic and level-headed. i know that you may be raw inside at times, but I think your positive voices win over any negative voices to portray that positiveness to the world. That is a huge asset. I wish you all the best.

  10. As I was reading I got all revved up and then said, “Oh, hell yes!” Not kidding. I’m sort of a gentle warrior with a splash of nerd. Fantastic and beautifully written. I feel like Mulan now. Let’s kick some ass.

    1. candidkay says:

      Ok. If you get to be Mulan, I guess the next best choice is Princess Jasmine. Reporting for duty. Ready to kick ass:).

      1. Or maybe Belle…she was pretty badass too. Ha! Really great post.

  11. This is a very wise post. I love your distinction between fighting for a positive future rather than focusing on fighting against the chaos.

  12. Anne says:

    Beautifully written and my reasoning for taking a break from FB for awhile.

  13. Wendy Kate says:

    Very well said 🙂

  14. I like this a lot. It takes courage to just get on with things and not stand around whining about minutiae. They are easier to face and manage for many of us.

    1. candidkay says:

      And if enough of us stop engaging in conversation about minutiae, I’m guessing we’ll raise the level of conversation. I hope:).

      1. Oh, indeed. Let’s start with body issues. Zzzzzzzzzzz.

  15. Jan Wilberg says:

    I love the notion of what you’re fighting for vs. fighting against. One is standing up straight and the other is dodging behind bushes. A good essay to keep posted on the bulletin board.

    1. candidkay says:

      Thank you. That’s a great visual:). I’m done with the bushes.

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