A report from the front lines

SoldiersI am learning so much lately.

Little tidbits of “wisdom” provided by ever so helpful males I have met via my foray into online dating. And who am I not to share these magnanimous pearls? After y’all have been so very kind and supportive through my journey to get to the point where dating even seemed a remote possibility again after my divorce.

But first, a caveat. I have met some really neat people. Truly. Great guys. And I am smiling quite a bit lately. But that bit I need to keep to myself for now.

You lucky ducks, instead, get the humorous, the inane, the crazy. The ones that I could not throw back into the water fast enough. I’m sure they were thinking the same of me.

The first pearl I have to offer you is a parable of sorts. One that was shared with me by—well, let’s call him Petros.

When I met Petros for a drink, the very first words out of his mouth were: “Why did you cut your hair?”

Charmed, right? So was I. I mean, who would not be with such an effusive greeting? And, poor thing, no wonder he was so shocked. I had a whole half inch cut off. I mean, really. What a scare for him.

As I mentally calculated how quickly I could throw back a glass of champagne and politely take my leave (I mean, one of us should still be polite, no?), the barrage of questions began.

“So, what is your heritage?” Petros asked.

“Well, my mother was . . .” I began.

“No, no,no,” he said vehemently. “The male seed is the only one that matters. What was your father?”

Oh, people. I have evolved. Boy, have I ever. Ten or 20 years ago, this statement would have had me seething and giving this man a piece of my mind. But, with age comes wisdom. I have learned that you don’t fight ignorance with intelligence when it will only fall on deaf ears. I am not a one-woman army out to change the world. And Petros was not my pet project.

So, smiling inside (where it counts), I said, “Hmmm. Tell me more about this theory.”tomatoes

As he puffed out his chest, he continued. In unbelievable fashion, he began to talk of Italian tomato seeds. That a tomato seed brought to Chicago from Italy, and planted in Chicago dirt, will still grow to be an Italian tomato.

As he continued, I realized something. But to be sure, I ventured: “Just so I’m clear. I’m the dirt in this scenario? Women are the dirt?” His answer was an unequivocal “yes.”

Which was when a friend texted me and I had a sudden emergency. An absolutely made-up, not at all urgent emergency.

My dinner with this friend was lovely—the perfect antidote to my “happy” hour drink.

I mean, us dirt particles have to stick together.









39 Comments Add yours

  1. He certainly sounds like a winner! Hahaha

  2. madsy19 says:

    He seemed like such a nice bloke. Glad your friend had an ’emergency’ 🙂 x

  3. markbialczak says:

    Wow. How did that one site get you back to 1964, Kay?

    1. candidkay says:

      Lol, Mark:). I was thinking more like caveman era.

      1. markbialczak says:

        Geico commecial material!

  4. Lauren says:

    Loved this! There are some real “gems” out there, I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one who found some while trying to date online!

    I wonder if he understood that in this example, dirt is the more important partner. The only one who matters. No matter the quality of the seed, it will not grow in sand, gravel or clay. It will not produce great fruit if the right minerals aren’t present. (Without enough calcium tomato blossoms will rot off the plant! I will leave you to make an appropriate euphemism.) I’ve gardened for a few years now. I’d much rather be rich, well balanced soil than a loose seed any day. Think of all those opportunities to GROW OTHER PLANTS! Good luck Kay, and thank you for the post! Let me know if you make those “I am the dirt” shirts.

  5. Hahahahaha. I love it. I’m the dirt. I feel like t-shirts need to be made.

    1. candidkay says:

      Tshirts? Brilliant! I see a trend:)

    2. Hahaa…Love the idea!

  6. Archita says:

    In my twenties, I used to answer to these theories. Now I don’t bother anymore, Kristine. High five to you, my fellow dirt particle. Lets hope good people didn’t vanish along with all the dinos! 🙂

  7. Wow. I admire your patience. I guess its imperative to have a friend call half hour into the date in case an escape route is needed. In fact, there should be an app on cell phones to have a timed ring for just such an emergency. Then you can politely make your getaway.

  8. Roy McCarthy says:

    You quit too soon – who knows what other theories he had? Some people are actually better off locked in their rooms.

  9. where we are says:

    Hah! At least you got a good story out of it. What a dick.

  10. That is insane. So entertaining to read, and you have an amazing sense of humor about it, but it’s crazy you had to go through that. So glad that ended. Whew! Oh Petros…

    1. candidkay says:

      Petrifying Petros:). Right?

      1. HAHAHA. Exactly. That was a good one!

  11. Dirt has great purpose Kay…it allows the body to build its immune system. And you fought off a probable disease beautifully 🙂
    Note * I shouldn’t really say that…he obviously has some social skills to develop and you helped him by your ‘escape’. And you have developed enough ‘immunity’ to run like crazy 🙂

    1. candidkay says:

      Oh, Mark, I think you put it BEAUTIFULLY. Both times:).

  12. Unbelievable that this guy is still single! Some lucky girl needs to scoop him up and be his dirt straight away. Holy Moses. I love that you had a sudden emergency. Every time you go out on a date, you need to have a girlfriend text you at a predetermined time, just in case. Not that I wish bad dates for you, but totally looking forward to hearing about any more gems.

    1. candidkay says:

      You and the rest of my girlfriends! They all say the same thing–“Not that I wish bad dates for you, but . . .”. They’re howling. Having a ball:).

  13. Seems to me he’d be the more likely choice for the dirt, seeing as he’s full of horse manure.

  14. How wonderfully kind of him to compare about half the world’s population to dirt! I guess there are worse things to be called….
    At least you didn’t have to endure an entire evening with him!! 🙂

  15. OMG you have got to be kidding? Can’t wait to hear more of these. Glad you are smiling too 🙂

  16. Elissaveta says:

    It’s rather shocking and shameful that men like that exist… then again… who would’ve made us laugh? Swings and roundabouts! 😀

    1. candidkay says:

      I hear you! I was amazed–I’d thought men like that went with the dinosaurs:).

      1. Elissaveta says:

        If dinosaurs could speak (and were well-fed before approaching us), we could probably expect better from them 😉

  17. One more thing, I went on a blind date once and I dressed up nice (even though we were going bowling). He showed up in a wife beater and jeans. I should have sent him out the door then but I went on the date. We bowled. We were going to watch a movie (gave the benefit of the doubt). He went into his place to get the movie and he locked me with the alarm on in his truck. Thank goodness I got out of that one after the first date. I was really dumb back then. I think of all the horrible things that could have happened.

    1. candidkay says:

      Wow. I guess he “treasured” you already, putting that alarm on:). It’s a jungle out there . . .

      1. I think he was afraid I would run. I used to do online dating too. I had a really funny speech about it but I can’t find it.

  18. And you let that one go??? bwahahahahaha

    1. candidkay says:

      Love your post! And I get it:). From the air filters to the pat on the behind.

    1. candidkay says:

      Oh, yes. Even his terminology was caveman, Kristine:). Are you giggling?

      1. Giggling and shaking my head.

  19. Dani says:

    This. Is. Awesome.

    ““Just so I’m clear. I’m the dirt in this scenario? Women are the dirt?” His answer was an unequivocal “yes.”

    Oh my. What a gem!

    With stories like these…I smell a book brewing.

    With blessings & giggles,

    1. candidkay says:

      Thank you, fellow dirt particle:). I’m giggling too!

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