“At times life seems an enormous waiting room with no destination, in which some walk stiffly to and fro, waiting for the pain to stop. Others wait for something good to happen. Still others fear that something bad will begin. The driven plan while they wait. I am each of them.
It is such a struggle, always has been, for each of us to settle deep enough into the wait, into the weight till we discover that there’s nowhere to go.”
So says the wise Mark Nepo in his “The Book of Awakening.”
As I read this the other night, I had entered a period of waiting.
Waiting to see what will happen with my work contract at a time I see others being let go.
Waiting to see what will become of a relationship that makes me very happy right now.
Waiting to see how my eldest will handle a challenging school year.
Waiting to see if I will be able to pay the bills per normal, keep a family going financially and emotionally, and find time for a creative work that may never be seen by an audience broader than the agents who reject it.
I am sure you have your own waiting list.
I am not a good waiter. I tend to spring into action, solving a problem before it is actually upon me. Perhaps foiling kismet by doing so. I certainly hope not.
I was raised to act, not to wait. I was taught, when mistakes occur and disasters strike, they should somehow have been anticipated and dealt with to avoid or at least minimize damage.
I guess, according to Nepo’s criteria, this makes me “the driven.” Sounds about right, unfortunately.
I know what I should do. Be in the moment. Stop future tripping. Put on my big girl panties and man up (I think one precludes the other, no?).
I pray a lot. Meditate (not enough). Think far too much.
Cooking becomes therapy. Red wine helps. Nature soothes me.
My arsenal is so very simple, really. Surprisingly simple when faced with some very big worries and what ifs.
I am not sure if my fixes are enough to see me through what lies ahead.
I guess I will just have to wait. And see.